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One of the most important aspects of dating is that initial call back.  Not the first phone call, but the call after the first date that validates that the parties involved enjoyed themselves and just might consider another outing that might lead to another outing, henceforth and forever more, yaymen.

Chuuch.

Yes, the after first date call back is a vital part of the dating experience.  It’s almost as vital as the date itself.  And the date?

Totally vital.

Which is what makes the lack of a call such a downer, like Debbie. Not to be confused with Little Debbies which are always an upper. Mmm, good.  Frankly, the call back (much like after that first lovin’ experience with a new partner) is an esteem or morale booster and confirmation that, “hey, you did your job (unlike Suisham), and a good job at that.  Rah rah, sis boom bah.  Take my money, my house and my car, for one hit of you, you can have it all.”

And who doesn’t like to be confirmed?  They even do it for the Supreme Court so you know it’s a big deal.

Well, sad to say, everybody doesn’t get called back and for various reasons. Some obvious, some not. Usually the guy is expected to do the calling back (1950s, anyone? As if.), but sometimes women, given the circumstances of the date and their affinity for disregarding gender roles, will do the calling.  Or won’t.  Like I said, sometimes you don’t get all call back.  And here are 10 reasons why (basically don’t do these things, you scholarly scholar, you).

1) You smashed the homey

Guess you really can’t undo that one, but say your date finds out that you (totally innocently) are the girl or guy they used to engage in chandelier-style monkey coitus with. There’s a good chance you won’t get the call back. Unless you’re on For The Love of Ray J 2.

2) You cursed out the waiter

Even if Pedro deserved it for being a totally inefficient f*cktard, nothing screams “we’ll never see each other again” like being totally uncouth and losing one’s temper in public if your name doesn’t have 6 syllables and end in -a or -ique.  Newsflash, people with credit cards (no Rush card) actually feel shame at times.

Sidenote: Isn’t the Rush Card one of the silliest ideas ever? So you put money on it upfront so you have plastic, because presumably you don’t have a bank account. Perhaps I’m an elitist here, but I’m willing to bet that if you don’t have a bank account you don’t really need a piece of plastic to eat out or buy sh*t online.  You probably think online is what happens in prison.

3) You smelled like teen spirit

I’m not sure what that smells like, but if you smell like that, I don’t want no parts of no parts of you. The Great Relationship Future Deflector is emitting odor, involuntarily and constantly.

4) You have staunchly opposing political viewpoints

If politics comes up on the first date and you are both diametrically opposed to one another, things tend to go south quickly. And not the good South either. Not Virginia. We’re talking Robert E. Lee’s South. Unless, of course, you’re James Carville and Mary Matalin.

5) You talk Roe v. Wade and disagree on who Roe or Wade were

If dude thinks Roe v. Wade involved the Miami Heat, it’s pretty much a wrap for the future.

6) You pull money back from the cash tip on the table

Mostly because you should just die, and its hard to call dead people. Even Verizon doesn’t go that far.

7) It’s a blind date where you said you looked like Janet Jackson, but you really look like Freddie Jackson (or vice versa)

8 ) You eat with a fork and your thumb

I’ve seen this happen with my own two eyes, and no, I never called her back. I did watch in disgust and dismay. At The Cheesecake Factory.

9) You flirt endlessly with anybody who comes into your vicinity

For some reason, when you’re on a date with somebody, they want to feel special. Yeah, I don’t get it either.

10) You scratch more than two crackheads who stole a reel of Scratch ‘N Win Lottery tickets

Because, like, ewwwww.

Those are just a few reasons why you’ll never get a call back (so don’t do them), but I’m sure I missed a few at least. What are some other ways to ensure that you will absolutely not get a call back? Inquiring minds would like to know.